She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
