he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
