I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
