Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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