well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
