Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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