Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
