There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize