and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
They are going to name an STD after you.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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