Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
