Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
