before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
