Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize