She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
