Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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