The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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