You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
