I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When are your genitals available?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
