You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
