no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
