I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
