he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
