I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
