All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize