Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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