My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
