I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
