You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
