You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
