Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
