So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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