I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My dick has a subreddit
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
