Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
