So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
