Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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