Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
