saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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