I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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