He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
