What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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