How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
