youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
