Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
