At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
