I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize