What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
