How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
