if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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