Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
