She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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