Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
