the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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