Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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