Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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