You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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