If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
