The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
