We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize