you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
