i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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