meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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