the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
