Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
