I need to stop coming to work sober
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
