This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
