It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
