Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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